Just look at me picking this snow dragon’s nose!
Perhaps I shouldn’t live any place that snows anymore.
Perhaps I should avoid my past, pretend it never happened, and move away to the driest of deserts.
Instead, I choose to muddle through and move on.
Three years and a couple of weeks ago, I had the worst time of my life.
But that wasn’t just the beginning. I had lived in and with (emotional, mental, and ultimately physical) abuse for years before I tired to get out – and got hurt so much worse.
During this terrible time (which I won’t dwell on, so as to not trigger anyone else’s PTSD), there was snow. Lots of snow. Snow that stuck (and stuck) in a place (the southwest) where snow doesn’t tend to stick.
Today I am stressed. I have work to do, I have laundry to do. I need to drive across town this evening so I can take my girlfriend to a very important medical appointment in the morning. I wish (these snowy) things didn’t bother me the way that they do. Snow that sticks makes me feel trapped and wonder if perhaps living in Minnesota isn’t for me? Oh, but (I know) it is. My family is here, a large and supportive queer community is here, I have a fantastic job / home / life / friends here, but still some days I wake up scared. I remember what it felt like to be locked down for hours at a time and to have to stand up on top of a bunk bed in order to see out the window only to see blinding, road-blocking, school-closing snow. And it felt (it feels) terrible.
I’ve had bad dreams the past two nights, woken up with a headache both days.
This morning I awoke to a new photo on the interwebs of someone I used to date. And, honestly, it made me feel better (sorry, person, but damn – you spew vitriol and you lie so much online – it makes me sad. I may have dated you for a short time, but I sure as hell didn’t know you).
I know I am making good decisions in my life.
I am on track to be in the best shape of my life – physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I miss the mountains and some days I truly do mourn for the sun (especially in the thick of a northern winter), but I do not miss the jail cell that I walked into every day when I got home from work. The prison of a controlling relationship and living in a place cut off from those close to me, with little support.
I know I am home here. I know I am stronger because of what I went through three plus years ago. I know I can handle the drive across town tonight and the early morning doctor’s visit. I know I can do this.
I would like to believe the snow can never hold me back again.
Now begins a chance to prove it.